Finding Joy Where We Least Expect It
Day 9.
Six years ago, I could never have imagined the incredible joy I would get to experience with my very own mini-me. We’d been through the mill, and many people asked how we even made it through. At my twenty-week scan, I heard the dreaded words: “There’s something wrong with your baby’s heart.” Then the sonographer left, and my husband and I were left stunned, silent, while we waited for what felt a lifetime for a consultant.
I’ve written about that moment countless times, so I’ll spare the details here, other than to say she was right. After a long and very different pregnancy to anyone I’d ever known, our beautiful baby boy was delivered safely. But at just ten days old, he needed life-saving open-heart surgery.
It would come as no surprise to say that that experience changed our lives. It put things in perspective and shaped our outlook as parents. Because we nearly lost him, and that possibility played heavy throughout pregnancy and pre-surgery, all of life’s little stresses faded away into insignificance.
People would ask how we were coping and how we could be so positive. They constantly reminded us that we didn’t have to be strong or hold it all together because they knew we must be feeling so devasted. It sounds extreme to me every time I say it out loud – and yet still I honour our truth – that we had never experienced Joys like we did during that “devastating” time.
I look back in those weeks in hospital with such fondness. It became our second home. I was only too happy to ‘sleep’ on the pull-out chair next to my baby who was hooked up to all sorts of wires. The number of smiling selfies I sent to family members as I stepped up to my mummy duties and the initiation that is sleep deprivation. The hypnotic beeping that soothed me through the night and became the backing track to our days.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m not downplaying or dismissing the reality of what we went through, or pretending it was easy. But I’ve noticed, and research (World Happiness Report, 2024) echoes our experiences, that Joy can sometimes feel more accessible following our hardest life events. Those struggles seem to remind us of deeper meaning and give us greater resilience, which only makes Joy shine all the brighter.
We never took anything for granted. And we had fought hard for our son just to be healthy so there was never any need to sweat the small stuff. As he healed, our approach to parenting only pushed back harder against all the silly “shoulds” and suggestions. If it didn’t work for our family, we were just fine letting it go – even if it was considered a “oh but you must…” societal expectation.
School was no different which came as a bit of a shocker as a teacher of over ten years. Suddenly, I saw it for what it really was: a one-size-fits-all system of same-old despite the significant changes in modern family life and circumstances. I wanted to desperately give my son the option to thrive now that he had survived so much. And again, going against the grain was what it took.
Delaying school start age, placing him a year behind his expected cohort, and embracing flexischooling have been some of our biggest steps. I’m incredibly proud that we stood strong through the judgmental comments and endless questions. Joy is always a long way from “because that’s just the way it is.” This was the beginning of our rebellious Joy - choosing to do things a little differently, for love and for happiness.
Not my own. They say we’ll find Joy when we look for it in others, and that’s exactly what happened here...
At the end of our very first flexi-Friday, I’ve felt nothing but joy (and pride!) in where we’ve ended up. Joy in the small moments of today, watching my beautiful boy explore, learn, and celebrate his achievements. He has the sunniest soul and a thirst for learning I’ve rarely seen, even after years of teaching thousands of students.
I can only surmise that he feels it too - the miracle of his life. Of all life. After all, the odds of any one of us being here are 400 trillion to one. He is my daily reminder that, despite the challenges and against all odds, magic - and Joy - really does have a way of appearing when we least expect it.
Our lives aren’t perfect. We still face the “normal” struggles but they’re few and far between. And when they do arrive, we recognise them for what they are and sit with them without discomfort. Many cultures around the world see the meaning and significance found in difficult times as a driving force for purpose, including the Japanese concept of ikigai. Perhaps that’s what explains the ease and Joy we’ve found together.
We love to kitchen dance, make up silly songs, stay up too late chatting or playing family games, and singing in the car at the top of our voice to our favourite Spotify playlist. We have coffee dates (hot chocolate for the little man) after library visits and see the beauty in the seasons. We stop to study, let curious questions and tangents slow down our days, and take far too long to decide what movie to watch.
And it’s in all that normal, daily gorgeousness that I am most grateful for our journey. Because there’s so much meaning in what others may dismiss as the mundane.
I’ve shared with a few close friends - and received very mixed reactions - that I wouldn’t change a thing. It might sound like a terrible thing for a mother to say, to not wish away her son’s surgery and difficult start to life. But it happened, he healed, and through it we’ve built a bond brighter and stronger than any I’ve ever known. The Joy I feel simply from studying his face, snuggling close, or stepping back to watch him delight in the world and all its glory is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.
From struggle comes strength, and Joy where we least expected it.
A Joy that feels brighter for having known the darkness.
Helliwell, J., Huang, H., Shiplett, H., and Wang, S. (2024) Chapter 2: Happiness of the younger, the older, and those in between, The World Happiness Report 2024.